NOT CHRISTMAS!! THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY PUBLISHED ITS STUDENT CALENDAR THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I look forward to buying, decorating, and organizing my planner every single year. I even wrote a paper on it last semester, haha. (I attached it on the bottom)
This year I wanted lots of white and I could not WAIT to utilize my new typewriter. I cut out my favorite patterns and then placed white paper over it so I could type my tour dates on my adorable Quiet Deluxe.
Front of the planner -- the quote I typed on there is my favs. Cheesy, but come on....I'm 18!
of you...
The tour dates as I typed them out.
Planning to be Spontaneous
During my last year of high school we had a “Senior Table Show,” in which each graduating senior got his or her own 2x5 table to decorate however they wanted. My favorite part about mine was that I had the chance to lay out four special items – my planners from each year of high school. My freshman year I was into the classic black-and-white theme, so the planner was adorned in only old style pictures of Audrey Hepburn, Chanel, chic town cars, etc. Since it was the first year I got the planner, the inside was not nearly as decorated as the front and back covers. Looking through each book you could see the progression of the relationship between my planners and me. By the time you reached my planner from senior year it was almost too full, too worn down, and too over-scheduled to fit much else inside of it, even though the school year was not over yet. This evolution over the four years mirrored my almost unhealthy relationship with my planners. Although I love planning my activities, my use of schedules reveals complicated issues deep within my psyche, including co-dependence, a need to please people, and trust issues. But alongside these negative aspects, each planner contains special memories, serving as a snapshot of each year of my high school career.
My relationship with my planner is co-dependent, in that, I feel like I need them to survive, but they need me to even exist. I all-too-easily fill up the pages of my scheduler. The spiral side pops out of place approximately every other use, and the once stiff covers are thoroughly worn in. You would have never guessed my current planner was only three months old considering the amount of use it gets. However, I would not have it any other way. I depend on my schedules the way a child would her blanket. They don’t have to be there, but these plans are also some of the few things I can control. I may not be able to manipulate the outcome of each planned event, but I can definitely control how it is organized in my schedule.
I find that my arranging nature slips out when I write out my plans. I enjoy using different techniques such as highlighting, crossing out, pencil vs. pen, check marks, etc. The first half of the planner is the calendar portion. Each page is a different month with boxes in chronological order representing days. This is where I write the general things I am doing on that day. I have come to realize that writing these down systematically makes me feel that there is some sort of progression to my life, and if my planner is being used fully, that must mean I am accomplishing a lot. For example, Tuesday, October 15th, reads “Behavior Analysis quiz – 9am, Lunch with Aaron – 11:50am, Flight to St. Paul, MN – 6:25pm.” While, on the day before that, October 14th, I do not have anything written in the box except “Be spontaneous”. Isn’t that pathetic? I have even planned to be spontaneous. Even when I want to be free-spirited, I can only do it in the safe confines of knowing what day and time it will be.
Most of the things written down are highlighted as well. But, they can’t be marked with just any ol’ color. Pink signifies tests and exams, green stands for work, orange is babysitting, and blue is arguably my favorite because it stands for a hot date. All I have to do is glance quickly over the calendar to see what I am doing the entire week – how often I work, if I have an exam, or if I am scheduled to be “spontaneous.” This helps me mentally ensure that my life is balanced. I do not want to be studying too often that I miss out on the excitement of a college life, or, conversely, live too freely that I lose any sort of educational foundation.
The other half of the planner has the more detailed specifics of my life written down so I can always be busy pleasing somebody. Each day has its entire page filled with lined columns for “assignments and meetings,” “study schedules,” and “extracurricular” activities. This section is where I feel the most accomplishment. Each subject has its own two or three lines where I write the homework that is due, and whenever I complete the task, I cross it off. The activity is both checked off on paper and subconsciously moved from the forefront of my brain. At the end of the day, I feel reassured to see all that I have done and determine whether it was productive or not. This also fulfills my need to please myself. I can psychologically handle not finishing every task on the list, but if I cannot even complete one that was assigned for that day, I am my toughest critic. I want to be perceived as organized so that whoever assigned me that project is proud of me and knows they can depend on me. I enjoy being labeled the “go-to girl” who is known for getting things done.
Initially, I thought my schedules only affected what I do, but I have realized that they reflect deep issues of trust that can come up as a source of debate in my relationships. I find that I am attracted to people who are not like my personality type, but rather, those who are more creative, intuitive, and free-spirited. Whether it is in dating relationships, spending time with best friends or just when I am with creative and intuitive people, I have a hard time “flying by the seat of my pants.” My closest friends have a saying for when I try and sneak in some planned activities: “Haven, are you seriously planning to plan?!” I enjoy their company because I like the diversity they bring to the table, but it is harder for me to relax when I feel like there are no set guidelines for what we are doing. It is not necessarily that I do not trust them as individuals, but I get uncomfortable if there is no set plan, and I sincerely do not trust the situation enough to relax. My connection with my plans can also be detrimental to my relationships if my friends fail to follow through. If someone tells me they will do something in passing, then I count on them for that situation. If they do not do what they said they were going to, I hold it against them because of the schedule I had written down. I trusted them to remember, yet they did not, and subsequently let me down. One time in particular my friend Shay and I were at a local Starbucks, and as she was drinking her latte, she casually mentioned that we should throw a New Years Eve party. We started brainstorming how fun it would be to have a 1920s theme party with costumes and even a murder mystery. My perception was that since we had our concept, we needed to start executing immediately so this could be the best party possible. I went home and browsed the Internet for decoration ideas and called her the next week to discuss my finds. She replied with, “Oh, I just thought it would be a fun idea. But, Jake mentioned today that he was going to have a few people over on that night to hang out and watch movies! Let’s do that instead.” I was hurt, not just because she changed her mind, but she failed to tell me and let me set up this whole idea of what the night could be, only to have it come crashing on top of me. Consequently, it took a deep conversation over another latte AND a blueberry coffeecake at Starbucks, for me to tell her how it hurt me, probably more than she realized.
Even after certain instances of broken trust occurred, I have still come to consider each planner a special part of me. At the beginning of each August, I look forward to buying the New York Public Library’s newest student planner. I take a few days out of my summer and flip through countless magazines looking for pictures I could put on the front and back. This year I collaged it with clippings of fresh flowers, nail polish colors such as “Alpine Snow” and “I’m Fondue of You,” Ray-ban sunglasses, and old-timey radios. I guess that once I finally stepped back and analyzed the situation, I realized that I decorate it because I want it to reflect my personality. On the inside it holds such a large chunk of what I do, and who I am, so I subsequently want it to echo me on the outside as well.
I see each individual planner as an extension of my personality from each moment in time. It mirrors the tangible things that I did each day and reflect who I was at that time. I enjoy looking over those of past years to see where I was during that time of my life. I entered my freshman year early at the age of thirteen, so I wanted to be perceived as mature and not the typical punk freshman who all the upperclassman hated. I turned to the classic stereotypes of elegant women whom everybody held with high esteem. My planner holds special memories ofBreakfast at Tiffany’s movie dates with my girlfriends, as well as tea parties with my sister. During my sophomore year, I let my goofiness come out a little more. The barriers that held my vulnerability at bay were falling down as I came to enjoy who I was. I chose friends who were simply themselves and not ashamed to be so. My scheduler for that year was filled with bold colors and different handwriting fonts as I explored my personality.
Skipping to the present, my planner does not really have a theme. It is what it is. I didn’t have a model of what I wanted it to look like, or even a color scheme for the outside, but I simply put things that I liked on there. The inside is not necessarily cohesive either, but I am enjoying the discovery that everything does not have to have a purpose. This transformation of my personality over the past four years has been woven together with co-dependence, a need to please people, and trust issues. Yet, I am so thankful to have each one as a specific reminder to who I was during that time. Whether these schedules are passing phases in my life that will soon be shed with growth, or if they will stay a part of me for years to come is still undecided. But these do serve as wonderful snapshots of memories for the past few years of my life.
